FROM THE EAGLE'S NEST (cont'd)
C'mon kids! Join us for a very special edition of PKL, featuring everyone's favorite inbred rednecks, led by Cousin Merle and Uncle Dwayne, as they (in a most ironic, self-deprecating and non-threatening fashion) kick up some dirt, chew straw, and try to make some lovin' with the Stillettos. Will they "gitter dun" this week? That's for you to find out, dear viewer... And heyyy.... what's that lovable Grill, the unofficial mascot of the PKL, up to? Tune in, as he roughs it up and kicks his way into your heart. Weekends at four.
Fucked if I know. C'mon guys. You say that you're all are wearing uniforms. In what sense, I ask you? Is it the fact that you all have shoes on? I mean, I guess every season there's a team that only wants to give it 85%. Look in the mirror, Road Warriors. Do you like what you see? Last year saw possibly the most amazing freshmen class (Untouchiballs, Penetrator) in the history of the sport. Don't fink out and be this year's Produktivists...(sidenote: Road Warriors, we love you; please show up to all of your games, as not doing so makes re-organizing everything a massive bitch).
Actually, for a first-year team, these guys aren't too bad. They haven't won yet, but they've played some tough squads. They are also competing in what I feel to be the more competitive division, overall. Plus, I give 'em props for always arriving in the same van.
Many of us have our favorite childhood films. Back to the Future? Sixteen Candles?
Top Gun, maybe? Well, the Stilettos still swear by Reform School Girls and Deep Throat. But wait! These ladies have been practicing, and let me tell you something. They have really improved (at kickball, that is). I recently went to one of their practices, and by god, they were catching that thing! And then...they threw it to first base!And the first basewoman...caught it! Amazing!
Look, while the rest of us were spending our adolescence playing sports, skateboarding, or similarly engaged in various forms of athleticism, the Stilettos were doing...other things, probably more akin to a youthful, enthusiastic form of yoga than any actual sport I can name. So they've got a bit of a bigger hurdle to clear than others. But I expect something from this team this year, and thats...well, if not a win, than maybe a close loss. That would be superb. And their enthusiasm simply cannot be beat. They are the Stilettos. Worship them. Or deal with Huggy Bear.
KINGS OF KICKBALL
Now to the subject of false entitlement. Simply out, any team that loses the triple threat of Jason Pontius, Doug (I think that they lost Doug, at any rate) and Kate and STILL chooses to fashion themselves as kickball royalty may be in over their head. Their crushing, embarrassing, soul-destroying defeat to Cunning, Baffling, Powerful in Week One was a jaw-dropper. Not to steal a line from my colleague Pat McRotch, but DUDE. Yes, they are the former kickball juggernaut known worldwide as The Alan Shawn Feinstein Junior Scholars. Yes, they continue to arrive at
the Hyperdome tanned, rested, and ready, with excellent uniforms and good attitudes. Yes, they're currently at .500. But something's missing. And in the opinion of this correspondent, that thing, my friends, is ringers. They have none. Solid? Yes. Attractive? I really don't pay that much attention to their games, to be honest. But I know this: Their empire should, by all evidence, crumble. Kings of Kickball, I hereby banish you all to the magical, mystical land of tier two. See you at the Green Bar, sandwiched between a redneck and a guy who spends his free time welding.
I must give this lower-tier team of likable folks (and 2006 Losers' Cup winners) credit for retiring a truly lame gimmick. Unfortunately, it was in exchange for an even lamer one. Formerly Presto, Bitch!, their old motif of "We're going to perform craaazy magic tricks before we hit the field and lose," now gives way to the monumental shtick of "We're Scottish!" Is that Mr. Clean I smell? 'Cuz I am just floored. (da dum dum!)
Sadly, I expect very little from these guys this season. That's not to say that they're awful, but looking at their upcoming games, I just don't see another win in their midst. Their only hope is that the Zomboree win some games and end up at .500 so that they can go on to take the Loser's Cup again this year against either the Stilettos or The Road Warriors. And frankly, I don't even think that they can beat either of them.
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