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PROVIDENCE KICKBALL
WEEK TWO:

Exodus Shmexodus
By Simon Vishnu
PKL Saskatoon Field Office

June 16th, 2007
Aldo Freda Field, Olneyville

GAME ONE:
The Stilettos vs
BSRmadillos

radio 'illed the video star

What fuels the endless speculation into picayune details of sports figure's personal lives? If Mark Gastinou's mother has a heart attack one week before Super Bowl XVIII, why does anyone really care? Is it the fanhood's endless fetishizing of these details? Permit this reporter to make a cynical observation: it is the true cause of the absolute earnestness of Las Vegas: there is a lot of fucking money on the line. If you've ever seen the giant sin machine of Nevada's high desert, you already have an idea of the speculation surrounding the PKL. Kickball careers are followed with great interest by those inclined to wager.

Most games, people don't expect the Stilettos to win. Okay, all games. But on this day, Our 5 Sweethearts were playing the hapless 'Dillos. If ever there was a day for hope to take wing within a Stiletto's beating breast, this was it. Today the longshot was running even odds.

Even though the last time BSR met the Stilettos (it was in the back of a Thunderbird) it didn't go well for our girls (BSR scored 21 times), this game was not a forgone conclusion. To echo the words of John
 
Madden, "there's a reason that we have to play the games." Every little detail matters. And today? Brown Student Radio's afficionados of World Beat and Local Hip Hop were missing that thin thread that perenially separates them from the Cianci Cup contention: The Ringer. For BSR, all bets were off.

To call The Ringer a "Franchise Player" would be to confuse Brown Student Radio with a kickball franchise. To call them a kickball asspolyp would be more accurate, but that term does a disservice to The Ringer, who is in all likelihood a love-child of Pele himself. He is a dancer who moves with stupefying fluidity. He singlehandedly turns the tide of games. Without him, the Armadillos are signing up for Autism League T-Ball. BSR knew this, and was covered in flopsweat. The Stilettos smelled the fear, and they were ready to fuck back.

The Stilettos had strapped on their D-cell powered "Clarence Thomas" Long Dong Silver. Just when they were about to manhandle the djs for the horrified amusement of the entire reception area, they hesitated... for just a moment. Maybe they felt pity. Maybe old habits die hard. In the end, it doesn't matter why: a moment's hesitation is all it takes.

Oh well. There's always the Road Warriors.

GAME TWO:
The Providence Steamroller vs
The Highlanders

aka: the opening act for NEXT week's games

Providence Steamroller captain Julie Wolfson was eager to set me straight on one thing: they are The Steamroller. Not all individual little Steamrollerz. This a collective, and together
 
they form a mighty Steamroller. Yes -- not unlike the Voltron Lions.

And with their full roster on the field -- including their rainshy no-shows from Week One -- they form a mighty collective indeed. It was shades of the clone army KEVIN out there. And their plan? I cautioned her -- just because the today's opponent did magic tricks as intimidation last year, did not necessarily mean they were a bunch of pussies. (Their being complete pussies actually has nothing to do with magic.) Shop Steward Wolfson said their plan was to overwhelm the Highlanders with their (*AHEM*) "costumes, fun, and style."

To be sure, this reporter will never be one to downplay The Kickball Theatre. But were it possible to win a game purely on the merits of costumes, fun, and style? Let's say that the phrase "Zomboree, Three-pete Stephen T. Olney Cup Champions" would have some meaning outside of Andrew "FX" Zombie's fevered imaginings.

I moved on, in search of haggus, and some idea of the Highlanders' approach to this game. Presumably the Highlander's goals were: 1) freedom for their people 2) impregnate French princesses, and 3) avoid castration by the English. Actually, The Highlanders were clueless as to why they had blue finger paint on their faces, who their captain was, or what they were planning to do this day. It's still early in their story. I think they are reenacting the part where Connor McCloud of the Clan

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