Week 5 of Season 666 of the Providence Kickball League.
So Romaine and whatever Jonathan calls himself as an announcer are really good at making people feel shitty about themselves. I want to congratulate the two of them on being the future cause of your suicides.
BSR v. Mississippi Shakedown
The score really doesn't matter
But on a more serious note: What the fuck is up with those stupid pink hats? For real.
But on an even MORE serious note...I know, I know, it's hard to believe that there could even be a more serious subject than their stupid fucking pink hats, but... I have to hand it to the Shakedown boys this week. They gained some serious cred when I drank whiskey with one of them at Julians this week.
So what's up with the service at Julians anyway? And the fucking wait time?! I don't know how they stay in business. It's probably that really hot morning waitress. She's dreamy. I would like to double-team you with that hot morning waitress.
Providence Steamroller v. Death Squad
5-1 I think
Alright Death Squad. Do you guys, like, need directions to get that sand out of your vagina?
1. Turn on shower and adjust water to comfortable temperature.
2. Get in shower.
3. Lather sandy vagina with soap. Dove works well. It has lotion in it so not only does it get your vagina unsandy, but it also makes it nice and soft.
4. Rinse both sand and soap out of vagina.
5. Repeat if necessary. It probably will be.
6. Dry off and FUCKING PLAY KICKBALL!!!!
Sooooooo, um, hey Steamrollers, won't you please just tell me who got the train ran on them at that party on Saturday? Come on, pleeeeeaaaaase? Just tell me. I won't tell anyone... Ugh. You people are fucking disgusting. You know what? I don't think the word "people" is even appropriate for you. You're the fucking scum of the Earth.
Fine. You fucking creepy art-fag motherfuckers can suck on my nuts. I hope she gave you all the Clap.
Holy Rollers v. Guerilla Gardeners
I think the Holy Rollers won
Which suprises me, since Jesus was a fithly hippie and you'd think he would want to help out his own. I guess that proves that Jesus was a fucking traitor. Just like Carl. Isn't that a strange coincidence? I wonder if he's hung like Jesus...You know... ON THE CROSS!!!! Hahahahahaha. I kill me!
At this point I kind of just wanted to go to Foo Fest, where I ended up snorting Adderal off my ID card in front of hundreds of people, which led to me becoming this dude Sam's personal hero. Adderal is such a waste of my time. I need some straight up un-cut colombian cocaine. Oh yeah, I ended up getting some of that too.
So I'm not allowed to drink hard liquor before 11:30 in more than one bar in Providence. That's kind of fucked up, don't you think? So I've decided to start a petition to "Let Pat McCrotch Get Fucked Up and Beat the Shit Out of Your Patrons Whenever the Fuck She Wants To Motherfucker." And if you cocksuckers don't sign it I'll get fucked up and beat the shit out of you.
(continue to page 2 for Week 5's
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