team win not
Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
[2005 Champs]		 6 0
Mississippi Shakedown 5 (+1) 1
St. Sebastian’s Home for the Eldery & Convalescent 4 2 (-1)
Curse of the Zomboree 2 4
UntouchiballicA 2 4
Urban Plantain Workers Party 2 4
Stilettos 0 6
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
team win not
Holy Rollers
[2007 Champs]		 6 0
Team U.G.G.H. 4 (+1) 2
Scurvy Dogs 5 1 (-1)
Ze French Revenge 2 4
Providence Burnsiders 2 4
BSRmadillos 1 5
Bat Seals 1 5
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
Make sure you have a good breakfast...

Four Scenes for Magma and Kickball

with Slam Dixon & Diaphanous Baum, Reporters and Announcers in the Field

SCENE ONE: In Which Magma Is Reunited With His Cousins Only To Discover They’ve All Been Buying Their Clothes From The Same Salvation Army.

MISSISSIPPI SHAKEDOWN (9) v ST SEBASTIAN (2)

Q: What has a total of 18 good teeth, a love of Velveeta, monthly Social Security checks worth $7,500, and the habit of urinating where-ever the urge hits them?

A: The Mississippi Shakedown. Or, the denizens of St. Sebatian’s Home for the Convelescent.

Be it the moonshine-tremors or the mini-strokes, the field was a-quiver with anticipation for this games’ outcome: St Sebastian needing a win to cinch up a playoff spot, the Shakedown needing a victory to keep a wildcard possibility alive. These two toothless troupes went gums to grills with all the skill we’ve come to expect. Unfortunately, the 2pm start time interfered with St Sebastian’s normal supper time, as the hooched-up hillbillies hurled the heat at the grumbly gramps. The convalescents were stricken with an early Shakedown lead that proved inoperable, with the Shakedown pulling off an amazing Grand Slam in the first inning, earning them a rare fancy dinner at Denny’s on Uncle Dwayne’s tab. St Sebastian ended their regular season with a 4 and 2 record and their electrolyte levels off the charts. The PKL is still waiting for the lab results from the Mississippi Shakedown vs. UntouchiballicA game on Aug 16th to see if they’ll pull through.

SCENE TWO: In Which Our Hero Discovers That Essence Finally Precedes Existence, And The Rmadillos Continue Their Shocking Mauvaise Foi.

ZE FRENCH REVENGE v The Holy Urban BSRSeals

For • feit Origin: French, from forfaire –verb:
1. to lose as in consequence of crime, fault, or breach of engagement.
2. to lose possession or right through a criminal act
3. to pussy out

Once again, the Brown Student team was on hiatus – and though they called in the substitutes, there was simply not enough original Rmadillos on Stan Luchka Field for the game to count. They hired mercenaries, conscripted Communists, and even evoked Deities of all flavors to get enough players even for a pick-up game. I think they even fielded a kickball with a face drawn on it to cover third. The French Revenge, on the other hand, showed full colors and proclaimed themselves ze sauced, surly, and souped-up Masters of the House of Kickball. It was a victory of solidarity over the slapdash coalition pieced together by BSR. Whatever ze score, Ze French are waging a revoluzion of zeal in the PKL.

SCENE THREE: In Which Our Hero Drowns In Waves Of Lingerie, Lindy-Hops & Water Sports.

URBAN PLANTAIN WORKER PARTY (6) v THE ‘HE’-LETTOS (6)

We should have called the game due to rain. We really should have. But never before have we had four members of the Kommission & Announcers’ Team simultaneously whispering, “God, if you take me now, I’ll be happy with what I’ve just seen, but Lord, if I could, may I please witness the next 50 minutes??”

Tho it may have been raining at Dexter Training Ground, Paris was burning as team Che met team He-She in Game Three. The Urban Plantains seemed remarkably bourgeois next to the Stiletto’s new all-male burlesque team. And indeed, the Burlesque Squad reminded us all of why we’re here every week: it’s theatre first, kids; kickball second. Castro’s revolters and the revolting Castratis minced and danced and drank Gansetts and batted the rubber around in the pouring rain. This was the dirtiest, most gloriously entertaining hour so far this season. And despite the game not counting for the Stiletto franchise, a post-game beer-foul to tie the score was the perfect way to punctuate the fracas. Fat Bottomed Girls, indeed! Fuck yeah, kickball!

SCENE FOUR: In which Our Hero Returns To His Troop To Wage The Unholiest Of Holy Wars.

BAT SEALS (7) v U.G.G.H. (19)

Concede nobis, Domine, praesidia militiae kickballicus,
sanctis imbibiis,
ut, contra spiritales nequitias brewmasterus,
incontinentiae muniamur Naragansettius.

The fact the most members of the Bat Seals had played in many of the games leading up to this day’s finale might have factored into the lop-sided final score. But even a fresh rookery of Seals would have a tough time against the everyday heroes of UGGH. A flurry of home-runs and grand slams confounded the former Death Squaders, making them pine for the milder indignity of the game three transvestitism. And while calling on Tlaloc to battle Thor is usually a strategy reserved for people clutching 12-sided dice, the addition of Bizarro Dionysus to counteract UGGH’s perennial Bacchus proved a very effective one-up-man-schtick. But the ethereal guardians of earth and sky once again proved that there ain’t nothing like the real thing, as they took one step closer to the Wildcard, leaving the Seals flopping toward a possible Loser’s Cup spot.

*******

And a consolidated tip of the wig to Player-of-the-Week, Bat Seal/St Sebastian baller Dave Magma, who not only played all four games, but played each game with a different outfit! Are you taking notes, MadDog?

More Player-of-the-Week picks to come in the next few weeks.

Providence Kickball Kommission