Game 1 – Muscle Justice v. Scurvy Dogs
How to make a Scurvy Justice:
1 pint blood
4 drops sweat
2 jiggers rum
1 cup justice
Shake vigorously
Week 4’s opening game was a rage-fest between the anabolic versus the anadromous, with Muscle Justice matching every piratical “ARRRRG!” with an equaling bone-chilling “GRRRRR!” Both teams rushed the field with an undefeated record, looking to climb the PKL ladder. But Justice’s ladder lay flat on the ground, and their protein bars and power shakes failed to stave off the brute focus of the sex-starved pirates, who finished out the game with a few verified pillagings, one or two hard-bodied MJers carried back to the Scurvy dugout, and a 4-2 win.
Game 2 – Shakedown v. PROM
The surliness continued well into Game 2: the Mississippi Shakedown, usually known for their taunts and ’tude, unusually sullen as they took the field against Providence’s favorite High Schoolers. Only Joleen seemed to join in the fancy-dress spirit, sporting a brand new designer tablecloth wrap and $3 socks.
If the smell of Fels Naptha was any indication, perhaps the Southern sportsmen were still out of sorts from their seasonal scrubbing; however, they did not let a bit of washin’ stop them from putting two early runs on the board in the first inning of the game.
Despite their lack of letter-learnin’, The Shakedown held the Honor Students to a 5-to-1 lead well into the third inning, when Chris “The Validictorianator” Ackley stunned the crowd with back-to-back 3rd and 4th inning in-the-park home runs ... O!M!G! Despite the PROM’s collective Mom’s promise to let the kids stay out an extra hour if they pulled this one off, the Shakedown held the Orbit and Axe crowd to four runs and ultimately won this very close 5-4 game.
Game 3 – Gutterballs v Zomboree in 3D
Q: What’s the difference between bowling and kickball?
A: Just about everything, it seems.
This week’s game suggests that The Gutterballs may be – quite literally – out of their league. Despite the pressed shirts and perky attitudes, The Gutterballs failed to make the frame and continued down the fast alley to this year’s Loser’s Cup playoff.
The Gutterballs did, however, manage to hold the Zomboree Team to a scoreless game until the fourth inning, when a sudden bank of sun-blotting clouds allowed the local Undead to rally and put a flesh-ripping 9 runs on the board before The Gutterballs could end the killing spree.
A well-played 7-10 split in the final inning prevented The Gutterballs from a full shut-out, saving their dignity but kind of confusing the referees. Final score: 9 – 1.
Game 4 – Ze French Revenge v Ladies & Gents
“Half of the people we meet in the daily walks of life are unclean, as the high water marks at their neck and wrists plainly testify. They have said to the ablutionary wave, “thus far shalt thou come and no farther,” and putting on the mark of cleanliness they hope to pass undiscovered in the ranks of respectability. They do not stop to consider how small a portion of the human body the face and hands represent. Clean people naturally wonder if the anti-bathers have any noses, and if they have, why they do not use them. Sanitary laws demand a liberal use of soap and water upon every portion of the skin. Hair mittens, flesh brushes, and crash towels will prolong life.”
– Gems of Deportment, © 1880, p. 127
Game 4 proved to be remarkably spirited, with the Children of the Champagne and the Children of the Shiraz bonding over their beloved vino but still managing some ruthless on-field play.
After a tied 1st inning, Ze French rallied their hate of the aristocratie into 5 unanswered runs in the 2nd inning. Ze French continued their joie de guerre with 4 additional runs in the 3rd inning, including Jacques le Jacques securing Le Slam Grande and proving again that a man in pants runs faster than a man without.
The Eagle’s Nest wonders if open-faced civility is truly the best strategy for a game known for its verbal bloodlettings and ribald theatre. Indeed, Ze French marched this game to victory, scoring their first win of the season and leaving the Ladies & Gents to soothe their 0-3 record with discretely shared Valiums. Final score, 11-10.
