In the beginning Kickball had no rules. Then, after no one could figure out what was going on, a few simple ones were installed. The basic rules of the game derive from baseball, softball, what-have-you... you know, like running around the bases, tagging runners who steal, not having to tag runners who must advance (only tagging the base), etc... NOT ALL BASEBALL RULES ARE KICKBALL RULES. We play by common sense “Playground rules”. If you really need them written down, we’ll do it next year.
We have 8 kickball-specific rules, handed down for generations from Stan McNabb, PKL High Kommisioner (in exile):
- Games are 5 innings or 50 minutes long.
- Mercy Rule: To keep games moving, if a team scores 10 runs in more inning, the inning is hereby OVER no matter how many outs there are.
 No hitting people in the head. If someone is intentionally tagged in the head in an attempt to make an out, they will not be out, but instead, will advance as if you missed them by a mile.
- No “real” pitching. The pitcher’s job is to roll the ball over the plate.
- At the plate, four foul balls and you’re out. It’s OK to swing and miss and it’s OK to not swing at all. There are no “balls” or “strikes”, but hit the ball into foul territory four times in a row, and you’re out. End of story.
- No stealing. If you lead off, you gotta tag up (touch the base again) if the ball is caught, then you can run (this is an important rule and a lot of people forget it).
The Umpires are the law.*
- Bribery is encouraged. Open corruption is the only fairness Providence has ever known.
- Every team must have at least 1 female player for games.
- oh, yeah, and one more... NO WHINING. (And no whining about how we said there were 8 rules and now there are nine.)
* The umpires may deem neccesary to enforce what are referred to as “beer” rules. This is, however, completely up to the discretion of the Ump. Such “beer” rules include penalties for spilling a beer, knocking over someone else’s beer, and the like.
General Conduct
 Kickball is sort of a sport. We have a few rules, sure, but let’s not get carried away. THIS IS KICKBALL, PEOPLE. And we are adults playing the game... a game devised to kill time in elementary school gym class. A game so simple that you don’t need enough coordination to hit a ball with a bat, just enough to be able to kick an 8.5 inch red target. Does anyone else think this is funny?
To top it off, we encourage – nay, we demand – kickball theatre. Teams need a theme, and they need to carry it out. If you are a team of Medical Professionals, then you better aid in the birth of a kickball on the field. If you have a team name like the John Barleycorns, well, then you better do something Barleycorney to win the fans love. The whole idea is to have a bunch of silly fun on a sunny summer Saturday, hang out with some friends, have something to talk about the following week and something to look forward to. Let’s all try to remember that.
So, in an effort to state what should be obvious, here are our additional hopes, dreams, and aspirations:
- NO WHINING... we’ll say it again. No one likes a sore loser, especially if you are mad about losing a game of KICKBALL.
- Respect the field... pick up your garbage, clean up after yourselves, and support the local businesses.
- Try to respect the standing laws of the state... this includes the Open Container rule as well as the public nudity and lewd conduct rules currently in place.
- Your kickball “character” can be a jerk, but keep it directed at other kickball players. Kickball theatre should not involve the public when possible. Like a train wreck, some people are drawn in by the spectacle, but they would be pretty upset if they got smattered with fake blood or hit in the head with a kickball in the process.
- Mad Dog and Pedro will always have a place in kickball... as initiation for new teams. They have much to teach, and we want to be sure that they continue to play as long as Kenny can continue to afford the countless knee surgeries.
Have fun, and remember, NO WHINING
End of Season / Eliminator Procedure
Ok, so we like to have fun, but the league still has to have its winners and losers. Luckily, we have plenty of both. Here is how it goes down in the final weeks:
Championship Saturday: First games of the day will be the Division Championships, decided in tournament style half-hour games, with the 5th place playing the 2nd place, 3rd place playing the 4th place, the winners of each playing each other, and then those winners playing the 1st place. Pretty simple. The winner is the Division Champ.
There is usually a break of sorts to let the two winning teams catch their breaths. During the last few years this has been an open battle of the ...
Festival of Losers: affectionately named the "loser's cup" The last place team from each Division face off for the overly complicated Festival of Losers. The game can be played in other eclectic ways, at the discretion of the commissionor.
PKL Championship: This game is much anticipated, but not complicated in any respect. The two best teams square off to determine who shall reign supreme until the following season.
The Providence Kickball League (PKL) is the greatest, semi-organized, spectacle of sport in Rhode Island. We get together and throwdown playground-rules kickball every week in the summer, at Dexter Field in the "handsome" section of Providence, RI, for shear glory... and fun.
Games are held every Saturday at the beautiful Dexter Field (Armory Park). It's next to that huge castle looking thing. Located at the corner of Parade Street And Hudson Street in Providence, RI. Come by. Bring a chair and hang out under the trees. Listen to the announcers try to make sense of it all.
Corner of Parade/Hudson, Providence RI
Practices are held Tuesdays & Thursdays, 5:30pm - 7:30pm at the Samuel W Bridgham Middle School Field at the corner of Broadway and Barton in Providence, RI. Come kick some balls!
Corner of Broadway/Barton, Providence, RI
The Stephen Olney Cup (Championship)
 Few teams have seen the coveted Stephen Olney Cup, let alone sucked sweet nectar from its teat. To celebrated few, the presentation of the Cup must surely mark a highlight in their otherwise pathetic existences. To the victors!
2013 Cobra Kai
2012 Providence's Finest
2011 The Stugots
2010 Dirty Sebastian
2009 Mississippi Shakedown
2008 Ugghly Rollers
2007 Holy Rollers
2006 Alan Shawn Feinstein Jr. Kickball Scholars
2005 Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
2004 Hellrazors
2003 Guerilla Gardeners
2002 Juggernauts
Teams that played the Championship Cup games:
2013: Cobra Kai (beating Fully Equipped) vs. Trippin' Marios (beating 99 Problems)
2012: Providence's Finest (beating Stugots) vs. 99 Problems (beating Muscle Justice)
2011: The Stugots vs. 99 Problems
2010: Mississippi Shakedown (beating Yearbook Staff) vs. Dirty Sebastian (no, that’s not what you think... The Dirty Dozen and St. Sebastian became a super team to take on all comers, though to be fair, St. Sebastian won the Division and the Dozen were undefeated)
2009: Mississippi Shakedown vs. Holy Rollers
2008: Ugghly Rollers (Holy Rollers and UGGH formed a super team – which has never happened before) vs. CBP (beating Mississippi Shakedown in the Division game)
2007: Holy Rollers (beating Mississippi Shakedown) vs. CBP (beating Death Squad)
2006: Alan Shawn Feinstein Jr. Kickball Scholars (beating Penetrator) vs. Fabulous Untouchiballs (beating the Guerilla Gardeners)
2005: CBP vs. Trauma Center(?)
Vincent Cianci Cup (Losers)
 Ah... the Loser’s Cup. To the deserving go the pissy warm taste of failure. We hope you were able to have fun all season while losing all the time, makes it hurt a little less. At least you could beat the worst team in the league, but hey, that’s not saying much.
2013 Jedi Mind Kicks
2012 The Glamazons
2011 the Can't Touchiballs
2010 the Stilettos (for the first time ever... played many, many Loser’s Cup and finally got their name on the trophy)
2009 Ladies and Gents
2008 Chalkstone Bat Seals
2007 Green Barbarian
2006 Presto Bitch
2005 Bike Panthers
2004 The Productivists
2003 Kevin
2002 Big Hurt
Teams that played the Loser’s Cup games:
2013: Jedi Mind Kicks vs. Old Biddies
2012: The Glamazons vs. the Stilettos
2011: Can't Touchiballs vs. Waldos
2010: Ladies and Gents vs. the Stilettos
2009: Ladies and Gents vs. the Stilettos
2008: Chalkstone Bat Seals vs. the Stilettos
2007: Green Barbarians vs. the Stilttos
2006: Presto Bitch vs. the Stilettos
2005: Bike Panthers vs. BSRmadillos(?)
Hall of Fame (Not Necessarily Ability)
Each year, the standing Kommission votes in members whom they deem worthy of the Hall of Fame. Worthy of the prestige, of the valor, of the honor... in other words, worthy of a hearty slap on the back, maybe a pat on the bottom, and a “Job well done”. Not much else. Yeah, sorry, you all don’t get anything.
2008
Kelli Dodd: (UntouchiballicA/East Side Blue Bloods/Fabulous Untouchiballs) We knew Kelli would be destined for greatness while during her first year playing, she spit and swore at members of Daggers United. That’s the kind of gumption this League needs.
Ted Isley: (Mississippi Shakedown/Death Squad/Daggers United) For years we have watched this quiet player blossum like a flower out of the manure spread on the pitching mound at Stan Lutchka field. His on field persona for the Shakedown is nothing short of hilarious, and why not? After marrying Becky Moretinni, he has nothing to prove about his manhood.
Kevin Leavitt: (Bat Seals/Death Squad/Daggers United) A guy with drinks at local restaurants named after him needs no introduction. Always laid back, always having fun, we are more than happy to see Kevin on the field, esp. if it is in a dress.
Aaron McCormick: (UntouchiballicA/East Side Blue Bloods/Fabulous Untouchiballs) A formidable player and all around nice dude, Aaron also came to the fore and helped announce this year along with Diaphanous Baum. And whaddaya know, he’s pretty fucking good.
Carl Mitsch: (Holy Rollers/PKK/Penetrator/Word Nerds/Real Yankees) Carl’s kickball roots go all the back to 2003, but what he may be most famous for is his character of Judas on the Rollers. The best part about it is that he never breaks character. That kind of dedication to kickball theatre is what we need more of.
Emily Moretinni: (Zomboree) A young-un this year, with the minimum of the 3 years needed for a shout-out, she gets the gold for her dedication to kickball theatre, short skirts, fake blood and water guns. Keep it coming.
Tom Nimmo: (Zomboree) Another young-un, this guy looks like he is always having fun, even though he is usually covered in sticky home-made fake blood. And he’s got a killer foot, to boot.
Jeff “Dionysus” Pappagiorgio: (UGGH/Guerilla Gardeners) Anyone who has their weekly outfit earn them a nickname and also get them spoofed by the other team deserves a spot in the PKLHOF(nna). Thanks for playing some great kickball and for keeping things fun.
Eric Redher: (UGGH/too many teams to mention) With seven years under his belt, Eric has been a quiet but powerful player in the PKL. This year, though, as the “Working Class Hero” on team UGGH, he earned a place in our hearts. A hearty slap on the ass and a tip of my hat to you, sir.
Paul Yates: (Holy Rollers/Penetrator/Word Nerds) A long-time player, we decided to finally put Paul into the Hall of Fame for his dedication to the game. A dedication that led him to wear a full length monk’s robe in 90 degree heat every game, and the sportsmanship and skill to run the bases and dive head-first into home plate in the robe as well.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME...
The PKL in standing decided to retire two teams... By this we mean that teams, in their incarnation at the time, were great for kickball, in that they were either great players, great themes, great sports, or a mixture of the three. These teams were funny, didn’t take the competition too seriously, and had schtick to spare. The first two teams are:
Daggers United: (2005-2006)
Team Kevin: (2003-2006) A team of orange t-shirts with everybody named Kevin? Doesn’t sound that funny on paper, but it worked. And their sportmanship took a great leap, from Loser’s Cup winners their first year out, to Division Champs in the final year.
2007
Ryan “KEVIN” Fitzpatrick: (Cunning, Baffling, Powerful) Voted in despite the recent and ill-advised shaving of his beard. This defensive specialist will be best remembered for stealing the Daggers United Flag, running down Broadway and hiding in the refrigerator case of a local bodega.
Chelsea Flynn: (Daggers United) This Kickball Prodigy was fifteen years old and better than everyone else on Daggers United.
Neils “Dagger Lee” Hobbes: (Daggers United) With the PKL stagnating in a dark mire of stale, uninspired Kickball Theater, Dagger Lee helped reinvigorate the League with his vision, blood lust, fashion sense, love of rock-a-billy music and Unparalleled Kickball Brinkmanship.
jHo: (Cunning, Baffling, Powerful) A man who actually demonstrated athletic ability, grace, and sportsmanship on the
field – all rarities in the PKL.
J Hogue: (Zomboree) Not sure what he did. I think we inducted him so he’d feel like giving back and being on the Kommission
the folowing year. Just a hunch.
John “JJ” Jacobson: (Cunning, Baffling, Powerful) I wasn’t there but he almost died and went to the hospital or something. And for real – not like Mad Dog does every week.
Stuart Lincare: (Holy Rollers/Penetrator/Word Nerds) A long history and a meteoric rise from team player to team leader of a great kickball institution. Plus, he dresses up like the Pope.
Becky (Morettini) Ilsley: (Stilettos) One-up-mans-ship doesn’t just apply to guys. This lady would do anything bigger, badder, and grosser than you could, and still play some damn fine kickball. In heels (well, almost).
Jarrett McPhee: (Death Squad/Daggers United) Our own Fidel Castro look-a-like, this guy helped bring theatre back to kickball in a big way, esp. by convincing most of us that the Daggers were a bunch of thugs, when in fact they were just heavily tatooed comic book nerds.
Heather Monroe: (Stilettos) The only woman to play on (read: sexually satisfy) the first Daggers United Team – which, as we all know, really sucked. Also: She helped form the Stilettos, a team that will provide Providence’s Male Hipster Population with masturbation material for years to come.
Katie Moore: (Stilettos/PKK) Tall, shapely, stunning... with a mouth and mind as filty as the underside of an oil tanker. This player/mastermind and “dirty little secret” is a force to be reckoned with.
Ted Rao, aka “Romaine Jackson”: (Guerilla Gardeners) Announcer extraordinaire, need we say more? When we had big shoes to fill after the departure of Stann McNabb, Romaine was able to fill them with his rapier wit and self-deprecatory charm. Thank you Mr. Jackson.
Jamie Re: (Zomboree) The bloodiest man in kickball, and someone who looks good doing it. Easily scared many children who have regrettably come to the field to watch the grown-ups play.
Jonathan Wisehart aka “Bruce Fairchild”: (Cunning, Baffling, Powerful) Often mistaken for Motorhead’s Lemmy, Jonathan Wisehart is loud, foul-mouthed, vicious, intimidating – and let’s be honest, often times, borderline abusive.
2006*
Adam “Cold War” Boretz aka Riz Johnson – Announcer extraordinaire
(Jed, inducted in 2005)
Ben Sweeney – Kevin
Taryn von Doom – Maker of our lovely Scoreboard, among other things
Dave “The Fury” Lefieri – Kevin
Jesse von Doom – Umpire Extraordinaire
Cynthia Reed – PKK, Real Yankees, Big Hurt
Chris Ackley – Guerilla Gardeners
Tucker – The Real Commish
Rich “Green Lightning” Pederson – Guerilla Gardeners
Kate Schatz – Alan Shawn Feinstein, Trauma Center, Body Snatchers, Unaballers, Rockballs
Not Pictured:
Jason “Deathfoot” Pontius – Alan Shawn Feinstein, Trauma Center, Body Snatchers, Unaballers, Rockballs
Kenny “Mad Dog” – Decatur Decapitators, Decatur Defenders, Green Barbarians
Pedro – Decatur Decapitators, Decatur Defenders, Green Barbarians
Pete Burr – Decatur Decapitators, Decatur Defenders
Joann Sedon – Decatur Decapitators, Decatur Defenders
Shirtless Ray – Bike Panthers
Dr. Doug Ganey – Alan Shawn Feinstein, Trauma Center, Body Snatchers and Unaballers
Carrie Cannon – Captain of the Hellrazors, Kommissioner Emeritus
*If we left you off this list, please let us know. Our records were... um, damaged... in a fire... a terrible, terrible fire.
2005
Jed Arkley – Our fearless Kickball Leader, Founder, Godhead, and Kommisioner in exile.
For all you WAKA people...
No, we are not affiliated with WAKA. We won’t pay the dues, we won’t deal with all the extra rules, we won’t buy the WAKA-branded merchandise.
The major difference here is that we use a standard playground ball... 8 and half inches. NOT a ten inch ball, those are horrible. We play by playground rules, but we drink like adults. So, don’t be a hero, and don’t go WAKA, and most of all, don’t be a jerk... play Providence Kickball.
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