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PROVIDENCE KICKBALL WEEK ONE: The Genesis Flood By Simon Vishnu PKL Rensselaer Field Office June 9th, 2007 Aldo Freda Field, Olneyville Trendwatchers have been cringing since late March. Cultural reformists dreaded the possibility. Creationists tried to deny it, but deep inside --they knew. And suddenly, the day that many feared for so long came upon us like the bad rash: the 2007 Season of the Providence Kickball League broke like an open, weepy sore. There has been no small tumult in the PKL machinery during the offseason. Several of the league's leading lights have twinkled their last. The very sun moon and stars have realigned. Godamned evil bastards somehow managed to shut down the PKL's damn-near-official-piss-spigot -- the Decatur Lounge. Fucking gremlins. But the PKL is like the weeds that grow between the sidewalk -- and so a new season has sprung up. Gardener Rich knew it was coming. He knew it was as inevitable as the change in seasons. Other teams had different auguries: the Daggers anticipated the onset of a new season by charting their steady, violent rhythm of alcoholism and diarrhea. The Stilettos knew because their delicate innards were once again yearning to be filled with illegitimate babies. For those that put any stock in omens, Opening Day '07 did not bode well. Clearly, God and the powerful Badminton Lobby were united in their attempts to |
thwart this inaugural balling. The field was starting to look like Woodstock 1994, but without the bottled water vendors. But for those who had been around the league a time or two, the weather (donkey shit, fired from B-2 bombers) was completely appropo. Of course God and the Badminton Lobby hate the PKL. Helloo? Core values? GAME ONE: Return of the Zomboree vs The Death Squad normandy with drooling Leave it to Daggers United to destroy the universe by losing kickball. Well that's what they said. This year's incarnation of DU has actually come from the future. Because in the future (stay with me) the world ends. And it's because the Daggers lost some important future game. Not because of Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force. It's because of the Daggers. So this Death Squad, they've been sent from the future (mind you) to molest the childe John Connor. Or prevent the Daggers from losing, whatever! As soon as they arrived in our time (clothed, please god), this Death Squad did what any right minded kickball team from the future would do to help the Daggers not lose: they sealed the Daggers United in a concrete bunker 16 miles under Utah. Their first objective in the larger mission: defend this field from all enemies. Problem: this field is a swimming pool...that was built on a kickball graveyard. And when they built the pool, they didn't remove the bodies!! Movement from every zone. Charlie |
staggering from all corners. There were zombies in the wire! Didn't the F.U. bury these brain-eating bastards once and for all last year? Hell must be full again because the Zomboree have Returned. Sure enough, there was the vulgar thing that in life was named "Jaime Re" with a head wound and a mallet, each bigger than any living thing could carry. I think I saw a UPS man moving with unholy urgency, to deliver a package that no amount of money or booze could get me to sign for. A few things about the future we can learn from The Death Squad: 1) tattoos don't go out of style in 2009 2) kickball becomes more important The Zomboree are an unnatural, undead, unbandaged menace. But the Death Squad is scary. The Death Squad: 14 Return of the Zomboree: 6 GAME TWO: Green Barbarians vs Providence Steamroller everybody hates the middleman The Green Barbarians are the undisputed kings of "Pretty Good." They beat the crap out of the bad teams, and put a good fight to the league heavies. Last year they were the Freedom Division's continental divide: if you couldn't get past the GB, you didn't stand a chance against ASF. True, they don't have a theatrical bone in their bodies, and seem to like FRONT PAGE 2 PAGE 3 |
