2007 Season Sixsixsix of the Providence Kickball League is now underway.
Again, Fuck yeah. Carpe fucking cerevisi.
Disclaimer:Beer and Jameson help me forget the unforgettable. Don't be a dick if I fuck shit up.
We begin on a sad note this year. Although the games were rad, something terrible happened on that sunny Saturday on the Aldo Frieda field.
Mad Dog...Born December 25, 1936, Died Saturday, June 3, 2007. Rest in Piece, Mad Dog. At the tender old age of 62, the loving and loveable Mad Dog died suddenly due to Kickball related injuries. With a kickball strategy that mirrored his life, Mad Dog was known for sliding into every base head first. We salute the Mad Dog for breaking more bones in his and
others bodies than any other kickball theatre player. Now we must inquire: will Mad Dog return to the League next week as a zombie?
Death Squad v Zomboree
This game is kickball theatre at its finest. The match begins with Voodoo priest Duffy summoning the golfing undead. Like the team itself, Duffy is then destroyed. Oooh, so much fresh meat on the Daggers, errr....Death Squad. Funny story: last year I prided myself on never having fucked any of the Daggers. Being a Stiletto, it's kind of a prerequisite so it was pretty dope that I wasn't a part of that team. A lot has changed, however, during the off-season. This column is now dedicated to the rating of the Death Squad in the sack. Fuck. Only problem is that I can't really remember all of their names and which ones I actually did. Scratch that.
Either way, more people should have given me beer that day. You fucking cocks. Blahblahblah, Death Squad killed the Zombies. Again. But did not cut off their heads like they should have. I guess that's what happens when you get a bunch of uneducated dude guys together and throw balls and beer at them. Moral of the story, we will be fortunate enough to have the zombies return to us soon due to an error made by the Death Squad. Mother fuckers! I just remembered that the Death Squad tried to get me to give them extra points. WITHOUT ANY LIQUID COMPENSATION. Fuck you guys.
Green Barbarians v Steamrollers
This is where it starts to get fuzzy. I didn't think the Green Bar kids were very skilled at
kickball until this match. The Steamrollers, a new addition to the League, proved my previous theory wrong. Oh yeah. At this point in time, Star Ref JP Reader and Scorekeeper Katie realized that we could bribe teams with more points for some beer. Not being people of our word, we took beers from you and you fuckers went and screwed. Live and learn suckers. Next week, however, we'll keep our word. I Pinky Swear.
Holy Rollers v Mississippi Shakedown
White trash dudes are hot. Especially the one whose name I can't remember. They fucking pissed me right the fuck off when they didn't give me whisky. Hence they are now #1 on my shit list. Holy Rollers made a pretty sick entrance to the field. Baby Jesus seemed cold and wasn't bloody enough for my taste. But I guess that's why I'll see you fuckers in Hell. And that's also why Baby Jesus is #2 on my shit list. Those trash dudes were pretty good for a new team, but obviously not good enough to defeat God's children. It's kind of like he was looking down from Heaven saying, "Fuck yeah, Holy Rollers. These other dudes fuck their sisters and shit, so fuck them. They lose now." So count your blessings, Holy Rollers, and give a shout out to your boy G up there.
Guerilla Gardeners v The Road Warriors
How sad. Oh shit, I remember now. THIS is actually what tops my Shit List: those fucking douche bag warriors didn't get in costume for
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