team win not
Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
[2005 Champs]		 6 0
Mississippi Shakedown 5 (+1) 1
St. Sebastian’s Home for the Eldery & Convalescent 4 2 (-1)
Curse of the Zomboree 2 4
UntouchiballicA 2 4
Urban Plantain Workers Party 2 4
Stilettos 0 6
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
team win not
Holy Rollers
[2007 Champs]		 6 0
Team U.G.G.H. 4 (+1) 2
Scurvy Dogs 5 1 (-1)
Ze French Revenge 2 4
Providence Burnsiders 2 4
BSRmadillos 1 5
Bat Seals 1 5
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
Kinda like the PKL’s Famer’s Almanac

The Thurgood Book: a backwood betting-table

with Uncle G.W. Dwayne. Posted: 5 days before game time. Bets taken until 1st coin toss of Week 4.

Uncle Brother Father Cousin

This yer uncle dwayne here. I been watching a few games here’n there, (’specially them stilettos, they got some kickin legs if you know what I mean) but fer the past 3 weeks all I been hearin about is upset this, upset that. Sheeit. I ain’t seen no team won that I ain’t made a dead-on prediction ’bout yet.

Turns out makin more’n a few bills off a bettin’ man’s game ain’t “legal”, and now the man wants his cut. So to keep the suits happy, the Kommission, (who I don’t trust anyway, I mean here’s a couple bush-haters takin spelling tips from the Klan) says I should run my prognosticatin’ through one’a them webbin’ logs, or journals... blournal? Shit. Sounds like a goddamn prissy diary to me. But since I ain’t learned to type, I got one’a them PKL interns as a stenographin’ calculator, clackin away at every word, and boy howdy if you could see the tig’ol bitties on this one!*

* (Transcriber’s Note: Jarrett, please tell him to stop trying to touch me.)

Anyway, let’s start the bettin’, shall we?

Game 1:STILETTOS vs. St. SEBASTIAN’S

Goddamn, any team squares off against them betties takes on a natural handicap, on a count’a they gotta run hunched over hidin’ somethin’. These old cotton-tops may be the ’ception to that rule. (less a’course they been on that Cialis) Either way though, JP can only bend so many calls before I start noticin’ he’s eye-ballin my wives bendin over, and even then they been short one point to win. I call this one fer the diaper-wearin grannies.

St. SEBASTIAN’S to win
Over/Under : 20 pts
Spread* : 10 pts
(Transcriber's Note: I assumed he was referring to the statistic until he trailed off and shifted his seat... and then called out “10 points!”)

Game 2: ze FRENCH REVENGE vs. U.G.G.H.

Now here’s a team I’d be willin’ beat the s*** out of fer Jesus, or any other god you got on the team. Them frogs played a good game against that hybrid-lovin glee club, but then again I ain’t seen the Squad win since they replaced “Death” with a Hanna Barbara character. Plus, the french did lose to that team of hairy Union jackasses and take “fightin dirty” to mean puttin the thumbs OUTSIDE yer fist. I call this one fer the gods (on account’a I want in on the afterparty with Dialysis*)

* (Transcriber’s Note: I think he’s referring to the Greek god Dionysus)

U.G.G.H. to win
Over/Under : 12 pts
Spread : 4 pts

Game 3: Scurvy Dogs vs. the BSRmadillos

Pirates win. I ain’t wastin’ my breath on it.

SCURVY DOGS to win
Over/Under : 13 pts
Spread : 5 pts.

Game 4: CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL vs. the URBAN PLANTAINS

Now I don’t know Cubans to take any game in the states without a fight (and sometimes a visa), but the Cubans I’m used to watchin scuffle use broken bottles not tiny bananas, and they’ll probly be kickin’ a “futbol” on the other end of the yard. I also don’t know any team that don’t wake up Saturday with a five-alarm hangover like the rest of us to lose often. Or ever. Shit, those wagon-riders’r gettin’ a W fer sure.

CBP to win
Over/Under : 15 pts
Spread : 14 pts

Now who needs a drink?*

(Transcriber’s Note: His is already half-empty. No, I told you I don’t want any “pregger-fuel”, or hair on my chest.)

Send your bets, threats and debts to

Providence Kickball Kommission