team win not
Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
[2005 Champs]		 6 0
Mississippi Shakedown 5 (+1) 1
St. Sebastian’s Home for the Eldery & Convalescent 4 2 (-1)
Curse of the Zomboree 2 4
UntouchiballicA 2 4
Urban Plantain Workers Party 2 4
Stilettos 0 6
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
team win not
Holy Rollers
[2007 Champs]		 6 0
Team U.G.G.H. 4 (+1) 2
Scurvy Dogs 5 1 (-1)
Ze French Revenge 2 4
Providence Burnsiders 2 4
BSRmadillos 1 5
Bat Seals 1 5
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
Kinda like the PKL’s Famer’s Almanac

The Thurgood Book: a backwood betting-table

with Uncle G.W. Dwayne. Posted 2 days before games. Bets taken up until five minutes before coin toss for Week 5.

Uncle Brother Father Cousin

Now whut’d I tell y’all about saturday? Uncle Dwayne wins, that’s what I told ya. If’n I wasn’t so damn sun-stroked and shit-faced on that particular day, I may have actually been there to witness the fruit of my lucky jackelope leg-bone*

* (Transcriber’s Note: Its not a jackelope bone, its just a chicken bone he made into a necklace.)

Hesh up, traitor! I reckon I’m still the only one that can hear its mysical future-tellin lady-voice.*

* (Transcriber’s Note: That voice is me yelling at you to wake up, put the bottle down and finish the column.)

Agree to disagree. What we can all agree on is I’m right, and in theory week 4 made me a very rich man. cep’n this hairy fucker Jared on the Providence Karma Kameleon says they can’t “legally” pay me any winnings earned. I’ll betcha they don’t believe in Jesus OR the Jackelope. Maybe Yer Uncle should start a bettin’ pool on who’s gettin left behind in a sulphur patch durin the rapture, then Jared’ll change his tune. The stats don’t lie, you old yankee custy (unless they’re percolated* by the liberal media). Now if only I knew what the hell over/under meant…

* (Transcriber’s Note: Perpetrated.)

on to the winners of week 5 —

Game 1:MISSISSIPPI SHAKEDOWN vs. URBAN PLANTAINS

Now I hope I don’t have to go into this one too deep. On the one hand, we have a professional*1, super-athletic*2, well-organized*3, one-year veteran team of champions what play like a well-oiled banana-killin’ machine*4. On the other hand, you got commie salsa-lovin mexican-speakin followers of Fit-all Caster Oil*5, and they got beat by a bunch of dead folks! Who’s gonna win? Well I’ll tell you one thing – YER REVOLUTION IS OVER YOU DEADBEATS! THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS LOSE!

* (Transcriber’s Notes: (1) hardly (2) are you kidding me? (3) only in a welfare line (4) the well-oiled part is right, but they came in 3rd last year (5) that one caught me by surprise too.)

the SHAKEDOWN to win
Over/Under : a million pts
Spread : a million pts

Game 2: SCURVY DOGS vs. HOLY ROLLERS

Dang, this here’s a game I reckon I’ll watch. I’m sure’s hell gonna watch one actual game that day, since the ass-beatin we give the Cubans’ll hurt more’n if JFK had the nut to pull the trigger. Those lacey peg-legged drag queens have made a run’a the Freedum division so far, and even caught the Gods pants-to-ankles like them Garden Gnomes. The Rollers though, they been strong since Vatican II (though the characters weren’t as good as the original Vatican… sequels ain’t ever measure up).

This is a toughie. The Jackelope is silent on this one, so I’ma have to go by the Armadillo scale. The Rollers whooped them ivy league nerds by a bigger spread, cep’n they did let’em score 7 times. How’s that shit happen anyway, priests stop grabbin balls when the boys reach college age? The Scurvy Dogs slapped ’em with 9 and held ’em scoreless. Unless I hear tell of another divine intervention, I’ma go with the parrot-wearin' frillies.

Scurvy Dogs to win
Over/Under : 13 pts
Spread : 1 pt

Game 3: CUNNING BAFFLING POWERFUL vs. ZOMBOREE

You know, fer all they growlin’ and bitin’, (not to mention the gol’dang SMELL), them zombies is all right. They play fair (aside fer the bitin’), and that blood – oh dear lord in heaven, the blood… its delicious! So it hurts me to tell y’all chillun that the Jackelope* hears a loss coming yer way. Not only do those – well, you can call them “quitters” – they play hard, but they also play sober. Now while that ain’t entirely fair in Yer Uncle’s opinion, there ain’t no rool yet to condemn it, so play ball.

BUT, I can share one nugget of know-how I got from my great-great-greatuncle, Sun Tsu-good: “A [good game of kickball] takes decepticatin’. Even tho yer competin’, appear incomprehensible. Though yer attractive, appear to be intoxicated.” Now I know when my Uncle Elvis tole me this, he was 31 beers deep on his deathbed – plus when he said it he was talkin about gettin’ tail – but I reckon the same rools apply. Y’all already appear incomprehensible and intoxicated, y’all just need to bring it home fer these focus-groupin’ water-sippers… GO FER THE BRAINS! I reckon they need those to win, and they got the cleanest group’a grey matter in the league.

* (Transcriber’s Note: Seriously, its a 2 hour old chicken bone.

CBP to win (side pot fer a Zombie upset)
Over/Under : 12 pts
Spread : 4 pts

Game 4: the BAT SEALS vs. BSRmadillos

Well I’ll be a sap-sucker on Sunday if the Batmobiles didn’t wait long enough fer a win! Give ’em all you got you ass-grabbin, Rambo-lovin’ SOB’s!

BAT SEALS to win
Over/Under : 5 pts
Spread : 1 pt

(Transcriber’s Note: Can someone call 9-1-1? He “somehow” got the “Jackelope” bone lodged in his “gullet”)

Send your bets, threats and debts to

Providence Kickball Kommission