team win not
Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
[2005 Champs]		 6 0
Mississippi Shakedown 5 (+1) 1
St. Sebastian’s Home for the Eldery & Convalescent 4 2 (-1)
Curse of the Zomboree 2 4
UntouchiballicA 2 4
Urban Plantain Workers Party 2 4
Stilettos 0 6
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
team win not
Holy Rollers
[2007 Champs]		 6 0
Team U.G.G.H. 4 (+1) 2
Scurvy Dogs 5 1 (-1)
Ze French Revenge 2 4
Providence Burnsiders 2 4
BSRmadillos 1 5
Bat Seals 1 5
(Parens. indicate Wildcard status)
Kinda like the PKL’s Famer’s Almanac

The Thurgood Book: a backwood betting-table

with Uncle G.W. Dwayne. Posted 2 days before games. Bets taken up until five minutes before coin toss for Week 5.

Uncle Brother Father Cousin

Gaw-damn if it ain’t halfsies already. We only played 3 teams so far but yer uncle reckons with all the points we dun racked up it feels more like a baker’s dozen (shit, we scored more times’n a guido at Fish Co.). Anyway, y’all prolly been missin ole man Dwayne last week, an’ I ‘pologize. But I ain't ‘pologizin’ on accounta missin this hecklin’ session*

* (Transcriber’s Note:It's a weekly column. It’s not my fault he can't write it himself.)

I’m just terrible sorry that I couldn’t kick the bejeezus out of that jean-short Yankee smug-town they call Williamsburger. I know, I know, they invited us down outta good will, reachin out to their fellow hipster an’ all, but shit. I mean, shit. Summa them fuckers were downright shameful CHEATS! I like to steal a base here’n there myself, and I’ll be the first to say I’d like to make the game “more interesting” (y’all seen the way rusty plays? he done everythang but shank a sum’bitch), but I does know to give points when points is due, and I sure’s shit know how to count to 3 outs.*

* (Transcriber’s Note: Curiously, there are a few additional numbers between two and three when he’s kicking...)

Plus, I couldn’t believe them short-short wearin’ noise-rock lovin’ vagitarians would go shittin wear they eat like that. I mean, why cheat against a town whose chief art school makes up ‘bout half of their incoming residents? It don't make a lick’a sense. anyway, I ain’t here to ramble on about skinny tattooed soy-eatin sissies, we done showed ‘em how providence runs the bases* and then Skeeter got to rough one up good afterward, so I ain’t holdin no grudges. Y’all know ole’ Dwayne just shootin’ skeet.

* (Transcriber’s Note: That’s 7 at a time, and then 22 fielding.)

Are you done yet?* We’re here to talk about the MIDSEASON SHIT SHOW! That's 6 games of future-tellin fer yer ole Uncle. Let’s rub that Jackelope bone what good...

* (Transcriber’s Note: No.)

Game 1: ze FRENCH REVENGE vs. the HOLY ROLLERS

Now I ain’t flip-floppin when I say this, but I had a change’a heart about both these teams in the past 2 weeks er so. New shit has come to light. Not only has the Rollers shown they can muster up some firepower even when they roster’s tighter than a 9-year-old*, but they proved yer old Uncle Dwayne WRONG! Well, wrong unless you caught my disclaimerin’.

* (Transcriber’s Notes: Jesus Christ... I can’t believe I just typed that)

I believe I done said that they’d be losin that game “unless I hear tell of another divine intervention”... and I do reckon that bringin in ringers counts as an intervention. I mean, shit. I’m sweatin gold nuggets over here thinkin about our game ’gainst the sober bunch, and I’m still turnin down non-union help*. And the FRENCH. Boy did I get them sissy-pant wearin’ grape-stompers wrong. they showed up to the booze-off at the penalty box late, and they still swept the zombies what good. I got nothin but respect fer them and their frog-mothers (but I’ll still kick they ass fer Jesus an’ my freedom fries). Which is why it hurts me to tell ’em that they in fer a loss this Saturday.

* (Transcriber’s Notes: The Thurgoods unionized their own family?)

But it warms my fuckin’ cockles to know that even durin’ a loss, they’ll probly be finishin’ an in-game battle paintin’, teachin a class on Creme Goulet, er some other ridiculous French theatrical nonsense. Those fuckers got Uncle Dwayne’s vote.

the HOLY ROLLERS to win
Over/Under : 7
Spread : 5

Game 2: UNTOUCHIBALLICA vs St. SEBASTIAN’S

Brother did I love that ’Ballica show back in ’78. They were runnin’ what looked like a human sacrifice mid-stage durin a furious triple-neck guitar solo, and then 77 virgins (I doubt it, we know about them groupies) descended from the rafters. When I came to I had missed 3 songs and the whole Iron Maiden set... but I saw what I paid money to see. With that in mind, I got a feeling some cotton-top’s gonna be meetin they maker’s mark this Saturday as the former Smirnoff-suckers rock out fer the Valkieries. The group-homeboys better stock up on beta blockers and blood thinners, cause they in fer a cardiac arrestin’ loss!

UNTOUCIBALLICA to win
Over/Under : 7 pts
Spread : 1 pt

Game 3: the SCURVY DOGS vs. the BATSEALS

Scurvy Dogs did they best last round. The Rollers summoned the holy hand grenade of second-stringers*, an the swashbucklers couldn’t keep they sabres erect long enough to score.

* (Transcriber’s Note:Aside, he says "look at the booooones!" I have no clue what that means.

Tha’s how it goes though, a good team is beat by a better team. Lucky for them they up against a team who argued points with a Brown University femenazi. Seriously, that woman* better learn what kickball is all about before I teach her a lesson. But I ain’t never seen a pack of shit-talkin parolees struggle so hard against ivy league barrel-scrapings... (I ain’t gonna pretend I didn’t enjoy beatin some seals myself, but I gotta at least SOUND impartial). I believe if the Dogs can hold Jesus himself to 2 points, they can beat the Batseals easy breezy.

* (Transcriber’s Note:I will not reveal which 7 words I had to substitute "woman" for, but lets just say he’s not ONLY a misogynist...

* (Transcriber’s Note: I believe this has less to do with academics than it does domestic violence.

SCURVY DOGS to win
Over/Under : 7 pts
Spread : 4 pts

Game 4: PROVIDENCE BURNSIDERS vs. U.G.G.H.

On the bare fact that I saw the Uggies hold up to Billsburg bitches last weekend with a serious vengeance, I’m givin’ this to them. Y’all can thank me later. (Dionetics*, ain’t you got some fair maidens an’ shit y’all could introduce me to?)

* (Transcriber’s Note: Again, it’s Dionysus. I think it’s even spelled out on his robe.

U.G.G.H to win
Over/Under : 7 pts
Spread : 7 pt

Game 5: CUNNING BAFFLING POWERFUL vs. the MISSISSIPPI SHAKEDOWN

Now this here’s where I gets more mixed up’n Deke’s taste in strippers... The Jackelope bone is singin’ but it ain’t sayin the right thing. I keep hearin’ CBP to win, CBP to win, but I know that ain’t possible seein’ as how the shakedown ain’t never lost, is tough as nails and built Ford tough, and derives they superhuman abilities from Earth’s yellow sun (and it’s supposed to be a shiner on Saturday). I don’t know, I guess I’ma have to go with the gut, even though my grandpappy tell me my gut’s got shit fer brains. I may end up right though, if we can pull off our plan to get all of ’em 12-steppers to jump the wagon one last time... Who wants a pre-game bump?!

MISSISSIPPI SHAKEDOWN to win
Over/Under : 5 pts
Spread : 1 pt

Game 6: the STILETTOS vs. the CURSE of the ZOMBOREE

Gawdamn this’ll be good. Any’a those rotten stumbling sacks’a death tries to lay so much as a hand on my womens’ brains*, they best be wearin a helmet cause the Shakedown’s packin. Remove the head, destroy the brain. That’s what my survival guide says, and I’ma give it a whack fer Jesus and General Lee.

* (Transcriber’s Note: That’s surprising, since the brain is the one body part he has no use for...

I don’t know whatcher talkin about. Y’all know the brain is the biggest erogenous zone on a woman! The bigger the better I say, them MIT chicks muss be gawdamn NYMPHOS! Oh, so since I ain’t lettin’ my women get too close to any flesh-eaters, (that’s some prime flesh, mind you), I guess that seals it for the Zombies to win.

ZOMBOREE to win
* Over/Under : a bajillion pts
Spread : a little less than a bajillion pts

(Transcriber’s Note: To anyone considering a wager on the last claim: a “bajillion” is not a recognized number in any language, nor is it spelled even close to his attempted pronunciation. You WILL lose your money, not because your bet had lost, but because you’re a moron. And you’re probably related to Mr. Thurgood.)

Send your bets, threats and debts to

Providence Kickball Kommission